


Raincheking the Apocalipse

by LostMe



Category: Justice League (2017), Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Crack Crossover, English is not my native language, Incoherent Lucifer, many liberties were taken, not impressed Chloe, really - Freeform, sort of a sick fic?, the crack to end all cracks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 20:16:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18581806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostMe/pseuds/LostMe
Summary: In which the League of Justice needs help to fight Doomsday and the Devil is apparently too sick to care.





	Raincheking the Apocalipse

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah... I don't know what happened either.

How Diana could still be surprised was surprising in itself, in Diana’s cultured opinion. But, oh, how she could relate to Detective Decker right this moment.

“Uhum. Yeah, great, no can do. You guys can wait in line.” The LAPD detective answered them, clearly unimpressed – and without waiting to hear what the League of Justice had to say.

“Wait in line? What are you talking about? What is she talking about?” Barry asked. Oh, so fast sometimes, so slow all the time really…

“Ma’am, I assure you it is a matter of utmost importance…” Kal-El started to say but Detective Decker just raised one hand.

“Unless the Universe is going to collapse in the next 24 hours I assure you…” The woman started to say but was interrupted by Arthur.

“I don’t know about the Universe. Earth on the other hand…”

“Ugh. Really? Okay, then you can come in. But I swear to his Dad that if you upset him…” Chloe answered, clearly unsurprised that Earth’s destiny was at stake and then turned around the door she was blocking with her body and let them all enter her apartment.

“Who is _him_?” Barry asked and wasn’t that the crux of it all?

Well, better start at the start, if the story is to have any sense.

So, at the beginning, there was this chap called General Zod that was dead. Then Lex Luthor resurrected him for some reason and the resulting beast was strong enough to kill Kal-El. Fortunately, the beast was vulnerable to Kryptonite so they were able to kill it again. But then Darkseid came to the mortal plane and they needed Kal-El back, so they resurrected the Kryptonian. That should be strange enough right?

Well, the thing is that because of the unbalance of power on the surface of all this killing and resurrecting Kryptonians, a new one emerged from the underground. One that was different. One that had grey skin, detested lives in general and was invulnerable to kryptonite.

The press was calling him Doomsday.

So, apparently the strongest hero Earth had to offer (aka Superman) could do absolutely nothing against Doomsday, so they had to improvise. And improvising somehow led to meeting a Martian (and Diana would be eternally amused by the number of beings of an extinct race that found themselves at Earth) that could connect them to a place called The Dreaming where Dream himself (who apparently was a being and a rather depressed one) told them about bigger powers at play in Earth. Powers greater than the mortal realm could comprehend. Powers needed when the threat was almost immortal in essence. Powers better left alone.

In short, Dream, who cared only about his realm and was utterly unconcerned with the possibility of life in Earth ending, told them about a demon living in the ever-sunny Los Angeles.

‘ _Mazikeen carries a knife made of light and Hellfire. It can kill the beast you are so afraid of._ ’ The being said.

So Diana and Barry went to locate a demon (because being a demi-god wasn’t strange enough, things like demons actually existed) while Bruce and Victor left to… research stuff… Kal-El went to somewhere in the North pole and Arthur… Well, Arthur hadn’t said and she hadn’t asked.

Of course, the demon, who turned out to be a bounty hunter, was too busy after some minor criminal to help to save the world.

And boy, wasn’t it funny when Barry tried to steal the knife.

Mazikeen was fast. She was not faster than Barry, of course not, but she could read his movements so well that she didn’t need to. In the end, Barry was on the ground and they let her go, because: 1 ) they were quite sure they would not be able to stop her  and 2) the human that was previously with her, who introduced herself as Linda, said they should talk to Detective Decker with the LAPD, who could have some kind of influence on the demon.

And that was why they, now partially regrouped (minus Bruce and Victor) were trying to convince said detective to talk to Mazikeen so she could lend them the knife. It was proving to be more difficult than fighting Doomsday in the first place.

Now, the story all accounted for, Detective Decker had just granted them entrance to her house and they really needed to talk to her, so they followed. They followed her through a sitting room, they followed her through a set of stairs until they finally followed her into a bedroom.

Said bedroom had the windows closed, the lights off and a rather ill-looking man buried under a ton of covers in the bed.

“Detective Decker, if you’d allow us to just…” Kal-El started to say but Detective Decker, as it was, appeared to intend in gently waking up the man on the bed.

“Well… Too much for not upsetting anyone…” Arthur said. Diana elbowed him so Kal-El didn’t have to.

“Urgh.” The man in the bed eloquently said upon waking.

“Well, rise and shine, morning star.” The detective said. “So, how are you feeling?”

The man blinked at her slowly. He then looked around him, almost as if trying to understand where he was before his chocolate brown eyes focused on the strange quartet still standing near the door. He didn’t appear to discern them for the mobile and his eyes focused once again on the Detective.

“Uhm?” He asked.

“How are you feeling? Better? Worse? Like you will never have another’s day of health in the whole eternity?”

“Yeah, that.” He murmured, closing his eyes again.

“I’ve felt like that,” Arthur commented.

“Man cold.” Diana murmured, automatically, in response.

“Hangovers too.” Arthur agreed.

“He is actually quite sick.” The detective answered them, not looking away from the man in bed. “Pneumonia.”

“It’s the Plague.” The man said.

The Detective smiled.

“If it was the Plague, shouldn’t we all be sick?” She asked him.

“The horseman is petty… Because his horse is always sick. Or hungry… One of those.” The man said.

The detective’s smile wavered for a second into a worried expression and she placed her hand at his forehead.

“You’re too hot again.” She said.

“Uhm… You’d think… That would be a good thing.”

“I’m talking about a fever.” She then looked back at the Earth’s heroes she left standing, frowned and looked back at the man. “I don’t think you will be coherent enough to talk to them.”

“Detective Decker, if I may interrupt…” Kal-El started again but Chloe wasn’t really paying attention to him. Actually, she seemed entirely unimpressed about having four super-heroes in her house.

“For God’s sake! We don’t want to talk to him!” Barry said.

The man’s eyes shot open and directly focused on them. They were red.

One part of Diana was quite certain he was exactly with whom they should be talking. The other part, a bigger one if she was sincere, was thinking that _that man_ should never have been approached by anyone, ever.

Higher powers playing on Earth indeed.

“Why are there two half-bloods, one Kryptonian and one corrupted human staring at me?” He asked.

 “They are the League of Justice,” Decker replied. Oh, so she did know who they were.

“The what?” He asked, clearly confused by the name. So… He didn’t know them? Actually, how did he know…

“They are like… A league of super-heroes.” Decker complemented.

“And they seek justice?” He asked.

“Well… I… I suppose so?” She answered. And then looked at their direction as asking for backup.

“Why wasn’t I invited?” He asked.

She definitely looked at them asking for help on that one. When they stayed quiet, she looked back at him. She put her hand at his forehead again.

“Maybe this is why they are here?” She suggested.

Arthur was laughing at her side but she didn’t think he should. That Superman was a Kryptonian was a well-known fact but almost nobody knew about her or Arthur’s parentage. To know that with a glance and to not know about the League as a whole…

“Hum. I’m busy dying.” He replied.

“You’re busy being sick, you mean”. She corrected.

“She shall come in a pale horse and… The hungry one, not the sick one.” He murmured. “A Kryptonian… Weren’t they all dead already? And under a yellow sun of all places… Told Dad… Told Him that the red sun was unstable. He didn’t listen. He never listens to me. She will come for them first… Maybe after Hunger… No… No… Famine. He won’t make it very long. Nor will the human. Fish-boy may if he is hydre… Hydrated. Yeah, no alcohol for fishes….”

“Honey? What are you talking about?” Decker asked, looking more and more worried.

This time, when he looked at them, his eyes were clearly fixed at her.

“You will be the last, daughter of Zeus. War, I think. Always thought it would be War that’d take me out.” 

In her shock, all she could do was answer in a small murmur that ‘Aries has been stopped.’

“Stupid gods, dying and wreaking havoc in Hell. Took me ages to make him shut up.” He murmured. Then he directed his glasses eyes to the Decker woman. “He mistook me for Hades! Me! Can you believe that Detective?”

“Oh, what an idiot.” She commented. Really? Someone says a god is dead, apparently in Hell now and her reaction is to insult him for mistaking this… This being for Hades?

Well, being quite fair, Chloe just looked like she was concerned for the guy’s fever and had stopped trying to make sense of his ramblings.

“All is fine and good, but we really need your help, Detective Decker,” Arthur said, apparently done being amused about the situation.

“Busy. Dying.” The man replied.

“He asked for my help Lucifer, not yours.” The woman replied.

Lucifer.

 _Lucifer_.

Oh dear. Maybe they really shouldn’t be there after all!

“Actually, maybe we need his help.” Arthur amended weakly.

“They are rather hot, don’t you think?” Lucifer asked the detective.

“I think you are too hot. And not in that sense. I’m getting you some medicine before you make any deals in this condition.”

“Too hot to deal…” Lucifer murmured. He then pretty much whined when she left to pick some pills for him.

“So…” Barry started. “We are having quite a huge problem and in need of a knife in possession of a Mazikeen Smith?”

“Corrupted humans wanting corrupted knives from corrupted demons.” The devil murmured around his glass of water.

Why was the devil sick? Not having everbeen sick in her life, Diana was having a hard time wrapping her head around the situation. Maybe the devil was a lesser being than the gods? No… If the scriptures of Themyscira were right, and she wholly believed they were, he was only below the One Above All.

“Why do you want the knife?” The detective asked.

“To stop Doomsday,” Barry answered simply.

Before Diana had time to explain what Doomsday was, Lucifer was spluttering water all around the bed.

“Told you it was the Apocalypse! Horses! Horses everywhere!” He said in between gasps.

“Lucifer. Aren’t there only four horsemen? How many horses would they need?” Chloe asked.

“Many many horses. They keep losing them to hunger or sickness.”

“The horses?” She asked.

“Yep. Haven’t you ever seen how many horses die in war movies?”

“Why are we talking about horses?” Kal-El asked. Arthur just shrouded.

This time Diana intervened.

“It’s not that. There is a Kryptonian on Earth called Doomsday. He is different. He is invulnerable to kryptonite. We… We were told the knife could stop him.”

“More Kryptonians under the yellow sun… You have no sense of your place.” The devil complained. “No knife. Mazikeen having them is already problematic enough.”

“But we need…” Barry started, but Lucifer interrupted.

“No. If it’s not my Apocalypse then it’s no Apocalypse at all. You mortals solve your own problems.”

“Ugh… Lucifer… If he destroys Earth it may very well become our problem quite quickly.” The detective said just as she sat again at the edge of the bed and started to stroke his sweat hair.

“She’s godkiller. Good enough.” He said, closing his eyes to her touch. After some seconds, he murmured. “Although I think I could give the Kryptonian a small feather. Well, if he doesn’t explode, that is…”

“Better to not let anyone explode.” The detective murmured.

"Even if we exploded the right one?"

Diana looked around to see if the guys were understanding anything, but they seemed just as lost.

“I could have a chat with him tomorrow?” Lucifer asked rather like a child.

“Only if you feel better,” Chloe answered in a tone that clearly indicated that she was not going to let him leave his bed.

“Uhum”. He murmured. Diana then noticed that he was falling asleep.

Arthur tried to speak, but the detective silenced him, motioning that he should not wake Lucifer.

After a full minute, when his breathing evened out, she stood up and left the room. They followed.

Just as Diana was going to ask her what now Chloe got her phone and called someone.

“Hey Maze…. I know you are busy… Yeah… Yeah… Ok, listen. When you finish what you’re doing… Yes I know you’re amazing and will get him like yesterday… Uhum, would you consider doing a bounty for me? Yes, yes I will pay. No, not me me! But I’m quite sure someone will… No not Lucifer. Well, maybe Batman? Or are you accepting Kryptonian currency now? No, I don’t know if he has any money… Listen, the future of Earth may depend on it, wouldn’t it be great to save the Earth? No… I know you don’t care about Earth but then all the world would know how badass you are… No, I’m not saying you need validation… Just… Listen, gave me your price and I will pass it on, okay? Yeah, you can rub it on Lucifer’s face later. Thank you!”

When Chloe finished the call, she signed and looked at them.

“Mazikeen will help you for a fee. I do hope Batman is willing to let her drive the batmobile.”

Diana didn’t know if she was kidding or not. Either way, she wasn’t going to look a gifted demon in the mouth.

Oh, Bruce was going to be livid!

Well… He deserved it. He surely wasn’t having a day as weird as hers.

She nodded, thanked the detective and promptly left the apartment.

“That was weird. We should get drunk.” Arthur exclaimed.

“Maybe you should try to stay hydrated.” Barry murmured. “What did he mean with a corrupted human? What about me dying soon?”

“If we don’t stop Doomsday, we will all be dying soon boy,” Kal-El answered, but he was also clearly affected.

“You know what, maybe a drink is alright. Apparently, we’ve got the devil on our side.” Diana murmured.

"Better yet, we got the Detective at our side. So, beer it is!" Arthur announced.

And that was it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> There was some kind of feverish logic behind Lucifer's ramblings. I swear...


End file.
